The Other side of "The Otherside"

The Otherside of the Otherside

 

I am on the other side of the Otherside.

It's been four years. Today.
It's an invisible day. I am lost.

I am a parent who has lost a child to drugs and alcohol.

Never thought the addiction would take her there.

She was my baby girl when she was sober.

Another person when the addiction took over.
You were seeing the otherside of your life. Invisible to me.

You never know what is going on in the head of a person on the Otherside.

I can't understand the OCD, the loving child, the lost child.
The child who says yes to tomorrow one day, and is void of feeling the next.

This week the gauze goes up, the curtains come down in my world.
One foot in front of the other. I am on the otherside of life.
Life is gray.
No one knows what today is. I am cranky.

We talk about the same subjects and remind each other we already said it.
Nothing new to say today.

Tonight we went out to dinner.
A glass of bubbly, a glass of red wine, a toast to Kim.
 Kimmy always said tip well. We tipped well.
Came home for dessert.
I mixed a box of Trader Joe's cake mix and ate it out of the bowl.
Nothing like cake batter to soothe the soul.

Tomorrow is another day. The veil will lift. The color will return.

So it's another year without you.
Miss you lots little girl.
Love You
Mo


 

THANK YOU

Thank you

 

It's a simple term.

It is heart felt.

Portugal, Saudi Arabia, The good old US of A,

Thailand, Korea,  Russia, Brazil and the Netherlands.

Thank you for just looking.
It's a small world with all the same problems,
same losses, same people.
I am honored.
Just
Thank you.

We all deal with losing parents, losing children,
sisters, brothers, spouses, friends.
It's a loss.
Admit it.
We all need to deal with it.
Friends, family, food, spirits.

They say to journal.
Mine is public.

I am looking to reach out, just looking to share.
It's universal, the loss.

Just
Thank You
for listening.


Happy Birthday Daddy

My dad would have been 88 today.

He was born June 22, 1925.

 

I have been thinking how I would celebrate today without him.

I started the day with a walk at 7 am and will end it with a

moonlight kayak trip  starting at 7 pm.

Didn't know how I would fill the rest of the day.

Life always has need to do's, should do's, I would like to do's.

Basically, everything seemed like too much work.

 

Daddy was a great gardener. Maybe I garden for him today.

 Went to the nursery to get a plant for a neighbor whose father passed this week

but just couldn't get into the gardening.

Called my sister, is there anything I need to do today?

No, let's do it Tuesday.

 

I stopped by a couple of garage sales and scored some vintage linens, a

1947 complete Monopoly game and a

I Love Lucy umbrella, episode 110

all for $1.00 each.

So spent time on ebay finding how much they are worth if I ever get around

to selling the items.

That led to more wasted time on the laptop.

 

I was pissed at little red fold up bike because the chain spontaneously fell off

yesterday morning and the gears aren't working right.

I have been looking and decided to buy a Tern fold up bike from

City Bicycle. I test rode the bike last night.

I found another fold up bike in Sac for $200 less.

Nah, wanted the Tern D8.

So I bought it.

Sorry little red.

Nothing like spending money to get past the inertia.

 

Called Mother to ask about the

Celebration Cake she and Daddy used to make.

I guess I don't really remember she said.

I know it was a white cake with powder sugar and shortening frosting.

Guess I'll have to took through their cookbooks to find a white cake recipe page

with food stains on the page.

I didn't appreciate it so much.

Cake was kinda dry, frosting sparse but it would be nice to know

what the recipe was.

 

So now it's 4:45.

Dishes still in the sink, I have to make the bed.

Did manage to get sheets washed.

That leaves 1:15 minutes to finish the work

that has been sitting in front of me all day.

Too much work.

 

So spent the day

thinking about my dad

did the wants.

Birthdays are a day to pamper.

Just pampered myself today.

 

Happy birthday Daddy.

Love you.

 

 

 



Father's Day 2013

NEVER TAKE A DEPRESSED DOG WITH DIARRHEA CAMPING

 

Sam the Dog has not received much attention the past couple of weeks.

We made sure he had food and water but that was about it.

We were in and out, he was shuttled around to backyards and neighbors houses.

His house was invaded by company, stress, and emotions.

Dogs reflect what is going on around them.

He probably got hold of some food that was not good for him too.

 

In order to get away from everything, we planned a Father's Day

camping trip to a campground not too far from us.

There is a luxury to camping that allows me to be profoundly lazy without guilt.

Many times I get my best sleep fallaing asleep looking at the stars through netting on the tent. I love to listen to the frogs croaking in the distance or the sound of a stream.

 

Todd brought his king-sized blow up mattress and made our bed with a furry sheet, and white comforter. It could have been a wedding bed.

Any thought of a romantic evening was dashed when Sam starting pacing all over the bed.

My side to his side, take him out to go, do you want to switch sides of the bed?

We switch, he still paces, stops for a few minutes then resumes. He is shaking.

I sit up, put Sam on the leash and zip the tent open. Poor little guy just squirts a little and comes back in. He rested a bit and it starts all over.

 

It's useless to sleep any more. I feed Sam a bit of oatmeal and milk and he laps it up.

We come home and I feed him some chicken, rice and broth.

He definitely has more energy.

Now Todd is asleep on the sofa, Sam is sound asleep on the bed

and I am trying to stay away so I can sleep through the night tonight.

 

This is my Father's Day story 2013.

Miss you Daddy.

You would have laughed.

 

 



Coming Out of The Bubble

I've lost my daughter.

I've lost my father.

 

My world was a bubble when they died.

Who do you tell?

How do you say " Kimmy passed away?"

How do you say, "My father passed?"

The hugs the kisses.

Will you please let these friends know?

Shock and disbelief.

Sadness, acceptance.

 

I put myself in a shell, the bubble.

I don't want to know what is going on outside my little world.

Planning a service, writing the obituary.

What were the favorite foods?

Flowers? What kind of flowers?

Too many decisions have to be made.

 

What do I say? Will I be able to talk?

This needs to be a celebration.

There will be tears, there will be laughter.

Stories will be told.

 

Visitation.

Picking up ashes.

Friends and family gather

at weddings and funerals.

 

Then it's over.

I'm left with cards and flowers and way too much food.

I'm tired and just want to go to bed and sleep.

 

I nap.

The kitchen fairy is real!

The dishes are done. Chairs put away.

Cloths are off tables.

My turn.

Do laundry. Walk the dog.

Clean out old emails.

Eat more cake.

Feel like crap.

Just waiting for the 6 pm massage.

 

I could really do something constructive I say.

I say, get off your fanny and get to the gym.

It's just one step.

You will feel so much better.

You'll be proud of yourself for taking the first step...

out of the bubble.



ONE LAST DECISION

ONE LAST DECISION

 

My father's older brother was not able to attend the services.

We wanted to include him in the gathering.

Sunday evening was the family dinner.

We Skyped Uncle Tom.

Tom reminisced, told stories. He was there.

He remembered how Daddy always greeted us.
He said:
 

Good Morning

Good Afternoon

Good Evening

 

He was right. I had not even realized or remembered. That is what Daddy said. 
A simple humble greeting.

 

At the cemetery, we were ushered into a room.

Final decisions.
What would you like us to put on front the gravestone.

His gravesite number will be on the back.

How do you want his name?

Religious affiliation? No thank you.

 

How do you want him remembered?

You have 15 characters per line, 3 lines.

Here are some examples.

I will leave you for a few minutes to consider.

 

The Navy enlistee came in to offer his condolences and thank Daddy for his service.

He said I will be representing the Navy at the service.

We thanked him for his service.

 

Back to the question at hand.

We didn't look at the suggestions.

We looked at each other.

In unison we said:

 

Good Morning

Good Afternoon

Good Evening

 

A humble homage to a humble man.

 

Thank you Uncle Tom for making this decision so easy.

You will always be with your brother.

 

 



June 10, 2013 The Service

THE SERVICE

 

My dad told us in December that he had made arrangements to be buried at the Sacramento Valley National Cemetery in

Dixon, California.
He said they will take care of everything, at no cost.
The mortuary will make the arrangements.
I had no idea there was a National Cemetery in Dixon.
Arrangements were made, the date was set, June 10, 2013, 2:00p.m.

We were warned, do not be late. Your clock will start ticking at
2:00 sharp.
You have exactly 1/2 hour for the services.
The services will start with the processional to the ceremony site.
Taps will be played, the flag will be folded and presented to my mother.

Friends and family gathered.
Daddy's colleagues from Sac State, a poker buddy, his neighbors, our neighbors,
our friends and our dear family.
We looked back, out of the limo. we were stunned at the line of cars.
All these people are here for Daddy.
We cried.

The pallbearers, who to choose?
6 or 8 family or military?
In the middle of the night I could see it.
My nieces and brother-in-law on one side.
Todd and Emily on the other.
A space in the middle for the missing granddaughter.
Grandpa was with her now. It was OK.

The playing of taps, the silence of the flag folding,
the winds howling outside the pavilion.
The Navy officer, the enlistee.
Precisely folding the flag, staring at each other, not blinking while the flag
was adjusted.
It was perfect.
It was presented to my mother.
My sister spoke, thanked our friends and family for coming.
We had no idea so many would be there.
She said the prayer.
I spoke, My Pops is Tops.
Sons-in-law spoke.
He was thanked for his volunteer time at the Railroad Museum.
He fellow college professors reminisced.

Service was over. My mom said her goodbyes.
She was handed a dove.
The single dove flew in a circle.
It was joined by more doves.
They circled and flew away.

Goodbye Daddy.